Missile Silos of the Apocalypse

Okay... I've finally figured out what church steeples are really for.

They're missile silos.

No really... inside these pointy towers that often times house bells or are adorned with crosses are WMDs... "Jesus Missiles" if you will.

Steeples have long been associated with religious structures. In fact, according to some wacko Seventh Day Adventist study on steeples from 1987, they actually date back to pagan religions, a fact that had some people claiming they shouldn't be used. (Apparently the "pagan" stuff taints the Jesus, but somehow different than all the other pagan stuff they've absorbed). The link above discusses why this attitude is wrong, but all the same, it's an interesting discussion about steeples (there's something I never thought I'd type).

Anyway... missile silos... right. I'm not really sure why they would have missiles in church steeples, but it no doubt pertains to the impending Apocalypse that almost assuredly is nigh (as it has been for the last 2000 or so years). My theory is that it's one of two things:

1. At the appointed time, either some secret time that only the Christian higher ups know or possibly when Jesus sends the email (To: Christians Everywhere, From: Jesus (I_Save@godmail.net), Subject: The time has come. Execute order 666), the missiles will simultaneously launch and will destroy the temple and open a hole to Hell allowing all the demons of the underworld to begin the Apocalypse. Or..
2. After the Apocalypse has started, the missiles are fired which then detonate over the Earth, releasing some sort of Holy Radiation that takes all the Christians up to heaven

I really don't know which one it is. But, knowing the Christians penchant for cryptic soothsaying and overly complex symbolism, I think this quote from a steeple maker speaks volumes:

"A steeple points one to the heavens, symbol of the dwelling place of Christ. Through city streets, across the valleys and lakes, through the countryside far and wide, the steeple declares Christ."

- Jerry Bennett of Campbellsville Industries

(from "Here's the Church, Here's the Steeple..." by Scott Gabrielson, Your Church magazine, May/June 2001)

See? It "points to the heavens", the launching direction, and then when it fires the missile, it's "declar[ing] Christ" and the missiles travels all over the place! What more proof do you need?

The article includes some bit about contemporary steeple uses and talks about churches allowing cellular companies to put antennas on the steeples to help expand their networks (Can you hear me now, Jesus?). The churches make some cash in exchange for allowing a corporate entity to put metal on the steeple which allows devices created through science to function better. Of course, it could all be just a ruse... perhaps they are just adding the antenna so the missile command can link up with satellite targeting systems.

Damn you, Frito Lay!

I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to Doritos. I say this because there isn't a day that goes by that I don't eat Doritos. In fact, I'm not sure my day is complete if I do not consume Doritos at some point.

It doesn't help that one of my co-workers ALWAYS has a big bag of Nacho Cheese around her desk. This isn't that surprising when you realize that she basically only eats about 6 different foods (white bread, peanut butter, Sunkist, spaghetti, deli style roast beef, and Doritos). At any rate, she's made junkies out of most of our team.

Nacho cheese is the easy fall back flavor. It's available almost anywhere snacks are sold. I prefer the Spicy Nacho myself. Cool Ranch isn't bad, but I usually get tired of them before the end of the bag. Taco is my all time favorite, but they don't make those anymore (unless you buy their ludicrous mix bags that have two flavors of Doritos in one bag).

I should really try and kick the Dorito habit. It's pretty much the one really bad thing I haven't been able to really stop eating regularly. I have no idea why. Frito Lay probably has some addictive additive in these things that force us all to keep shoving curled triangles into our faces.

Today's Lesson: Where babies SHOULDN'T come from

There is no reason for the pic on today's post, other than I just really like the old Denton, TX ska band The Grown-Ups. R.I.P.

First off, might I just point out that it would be really funny if the New England Patriots went undefeated this year, thereby making the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins a little less special, but only if the currently winless 2007 Miami Dolphins remained winless. THAT would make me laugh.

Rotten's Brilliant Controversial Plan #59:

There are too many stupid people having children. There are also too many people who have children when they are completely unable to properly care and support a child (much less have more than one). I propose that it become law that all males should have vasectomies at puberty (paid for by the government). Later, when the male and the specific female intended to be said male's mate can prove that the couple are financially sound, not complete morons, and can prove they have some idea of how to properly raise a child (think psychological examinations, for one), then the government shall reverse the vasectomy. Once the happy couple have managed to create their little bundle of joy, poppa gets re-snipped.

Want another kid? Go through the original process all over again.

Sure, some of you are probably thinking that this is probably infringing on some rights somewhere and that the government doesn't need to be involved in baby making. Well, too bad. The Catholic Church doesn't need to be involved in baby making either, but that doesn't stop them.

Besides, you have to have a license and prove some competency to drive a car, hunt, own a gun, etc... shouldn't you at least prove that you have some measure of responsibility before creating another human being?

I'm not saying you have to make $100k a year and score a 1600 on your SATs, but hell, I'd like there to at least be some planning involved. If you have to fill out paperwork and have your man parts screwed around with, I'm guessing you've at least thought about having a kid as opposed to a couple of 16 year old kids who either didn't get (thanks religious nuts!) or didn't pay attention to sex ed.

Added bonus: "Single" woman gets knocked up? Chances are pretty good somebody's cheatin'!

Sure there are potential problems like back-alley reverse vasectomies and such, but let's face it, men are really squeamish about other men messing around down there. And two points about that:

1. I say men because how many women are really going to do a back alley reverse vasectomy on some guy unless that guy is going to get them pregnant?


2. Women may have the guts to give birth or abort a fetus, but guys get close to tears just watching somebody get kicked in the crotch. Caveman acts tough, but caveman is a big wuss in regards to nether pain.

It doesn't really have to be that difficult to get approved for the "stork" license. Use the Kia method... "Do you have a job? Do you have $199?"
Maybe not that basic, but I mean you can weed out the completely unacceptable situations right off the bat. High School drop out that works the cash register at Wal-mart? As the great Magic 8-Ball once said: "Outlook not so good."

I'm not usually a big proponent of having the government step in and force responsibility down the populace's throats (or loins as the case may be), but in this case I make an exception. There are a lot of things that we're running out of on this planet.... humans are not one of them.

Slow news day

Well, here I am at work on what was supposed to be a day off. I'm half asleep and really don't want to be here. At least there isn't much going on.

Random stuff running through my head:

• Great, a writer's strike. No new TV. Oh well, at least I can get caught up on Netflix.
• Dog the Bounty Hunter... I don't think anybody would have ever pegged him as a smart man, but now he's removed any doubt.
• Tony Romo... why do I care? Oh wait... I don't.

More later when I'm not so tired...

Happy Halloween!

Well, here's a late posting on the best day of the year (which means that most people who read this... well, it's probably not Halloween anymore)!

Halloween! Man, I really miss having free time and few responsibilities. Hopefully when I'm out of school I can enjoy the holiday a little bit more. We gave out candy to little monsters, but I didn't even have time to carve the jack o' lantern this year (a light-up plastic jack pumpkin had to suffice).

I remember when Raddmann and I lived together. For Halloween, we went nuts with yard decorations. Radd made this great noose and we hung a skeleton from a tree in the front yard. In fact, we were so happy with the skeleton-noose that we put a Santa hat on it and hung it back up for Christmas!

Uhhhh... anyway... Here's today's pumpkin treat followed by an old entry from the archives (a Halloween piece I did for the TCU Daily Skiff).

And now, a special presentation of an old newspaper column...

Well, it’s almost that time of year again. You know, when ghosts and goblins take to the streets in search of candy, “smashing pumpkins” refers to an action instead of a rock band, and many people get upset about exposing children to satanic rituals.

Yes, I’m talking about Columbus Day.

No, I’m not, what am I talking about... Halloween... I’m talking about Halloween!

Halloween was supposed to be, in it’s most recent form, a holiday where kids dress up in something and go door to door asking for candy. Panhandling by children was heartily encouraged and the American Dental Association saw a sharp increase in the number of cavities their patients had.

Now, however, many parents and schools are nervous about all the scary things and have killed the excitement. Something about “satanic rituals in praise of the Dark Lord of Hell” or something silly like that. Never mind that these same parents actually ENCOURAGE their children to watch Barney the Dinosaur and Satan’s best friend, Elmo, from Sesame Street. C’mon parents, it’s all about priorities!

But I depress. Fortunately, there are still people out there who care about Halloween. Who, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. College students, rich people, pagans, bank employees, the entire entertainment profession, makers of fine candy (and not so fine candy... circus peanuts... BLEAGH!), people who need any excuse to drink, and, of course, evil minions of the Devil who will conduct “satanic rituals in praise of the Dark Lord of Hell.”

If you yourself (as opposed to you himself or possibly you ourselves) fall into one of these fine demographics (or would that be demongraphics), then more than likely you have plans for Halloween night. But what can you do?

Well, friends, let me help.

First off, you must have a costume. (SPECIAL NOTE TO CROSSDRESSERS AND TRANSVESTITES: Sorry, that doesn’t count) If you do nothing else, you must have a costume. Even if you just sit at home and watch every episode of the original Star Trek series (you GEEK!), you must at least do it in costume. Just dressing up like someone else can fill your heart with Halloweenness and brighten your otherwise pathetic life.

In order to properly choose a costume, you must consider a few things: Where am I going? How much money do I have? Will my boyfriend/girlfriend/animalfriend approve and/or find me more attractive so I can get lucky later? Can I be arrested for wearing this? Do I really like Key Lime pie, or am I just saying that so that I don’t hurt Aunt Bernice’s feelings?

The most important questions are the first two. You must choose a costume that you can easily move around in as well as afford. Dressing up like Elvis might be fun, but can you afford it? A cardboard box is easy to do, but are you going to a crowded party? A cardboard box might work for your wallet, but it’s almost impossible to do anything in it. Forget about dancing! A suit of armor would be very cool, but it would be expensive AND hard to move around in. So forget it, pin head.

Try and pick something easy, like a witch, ghost, demon, ghoul, Teenage Morphin’ Ninja Thingy, politician, or any other cliché overused costumes. Store bought costumes are usually entertaining if nothing else. But if you really want to entertain people, create something from scratch out of things you find around your house. Use your imaginations for crying out loud! Did Mr. Rogers teach you nothing?

The most basic costume is whatever you happen to be wearing that day. You could say it’s many different things. For instance, you could be a Met’s Fan, an undercover cop, an alien dressed as a human, your best friend, your evil/good twin, or perhaps a college student. If you are actually in college, the last one won’t be much fun since you are probably pretending to be a student already.

Some other easy to put together costumes include: wrapping yourself in aluminum foil to be a lightning rod, cover yourself in paper and become an IRS audit (oooo... scary), or just grab anything you can find and place it on your body. Any combination you can think of! Sure macaroni, paper sacks, bananas, and popsicle sticks look strange, but hey, it’s a costume.

Now that you have put together a costume, you have to find a place to show it off, assuming of course you aren’t one of those geeks watching Star Trek. Since you are probably an adult now, your options are limited. You could go trick or treating, but be careful, some places have laws against anyone over a certain age doing this. If you can go trick or treating, here are a few tips.

First, wait until later, say around 8 or 9 o’ clock. This gives all the REAL children a chance at getting some candy. Also, some candy givers get a little perturbed by overage people going door to door. So be extremely curteous. Going later in the evening has some real advantages as well. By this time, people usually have a lot of candy left over and are eager to get rid of it. Chances are, you can make quite a haul off of just one street, although, you should expect to get a lot of Tootsie Rolls.

If trick or treating doesn’t sound like fun, you could do other things. One idea is to find a party to go to. Preferably, it’s a good idea to find a party that you’ve been invited to. But, since you’ve got a identity hiding costume, it’s very easy to crash parties. Nobody knows who you are! Now, go spike the punch.

If parties aren’t your thing, perhaps going to a “scary” haunted house would be more entertaining. Here, you can pay exorbitant amounts of cash to see people in rubber masks jump out of a closet and yell “BOO!” Some people find this entertaining.

You could go rent a movie like Friday the 13th Part 95 or Saturday Night Fever and sit at home and relax. My personal recommendation: get a movie with the Olsen twins. They are extremely disturbing.

If you are at home, you can hand out candy to children. Children like candy. As for those pesky overage people who shouldn’t be trick or treating but are anyway, I suggest handing out little packets of ketchup and mustard. Better yet, give them a nice big helping of water from the hose.

I hope some of these suggestions help make your Halloween a little bit more fun. Remember, if you can’t be scary, be silly. Oh, and nobody likes those crappy popcorn balls and don’t backwash when bobbing for apples.

Mmmmmmm.... beer....

Today's pumpkin entry is actually 4 entries. 4 "pumpkin" beers to be exact. 3 of these were from last year. The thing about pumpkin beers is that they really don't taste like pumpkin. They're MADE with pumpkin, but they don't much taste like pumpkin. Regardless, I keep trying.Going from left to right:Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale (Anheuser-Busch) 5.5% - "Ale Brewed with only the Finest Barley Malt, The Choicest Hops, Pumpkin and spices." Pretty much a typical pumpkin ale. Taste like an ale with some stuff in it. Not bad, but there are better beers if this isn't gonna taste like pumpkin.The Shipyard Pumpkinhead Ale - No % listed and a warning sign: "MALT Beverage with pumpkin spice added." It's been a year since I had this, but the memories are coming back.... this tasted like soda water with some pumpkin flavoring. It actually tasted like pumpkin, but lacked any beer qualities that I pretty much disqualified this one. The artwork on the label is quite entertaining, though.Harvest Moon Pumpkin Ale (Blue Moon Seasonal Collection) 5.6% - "The flavor of vine ripened pumpkin & spices with traditional crystal malt." This is the one I got this year. It's a good beer (but then, I just like the Blue Moon line), but again, not a major pumpkin flavor explosion. I'd recommend it for parties just to go with the theme, but if you want a seasonal to just drink at home, try the Blue Moon Winter Ale.Dogfish Head Punkin Ale 7% - "A full-bodied brown ale brewed with real pumpkin, brown sugar, allspice, cinnamon & nutmeg." If you are at all familiar with the Dogfish Head line of beer, then you know that it is made up of beers that are heavy on flavor and heavy on alcohol. This one fits the bill. To be honest, I don't remember exactly how this one tasted, but I can remember that I felt quite relaxed after drinking it. Pumpkin flavor or not, shotgun one of these and you'll have no problem going to sleep.For those of you that looked at/can see the picture associated with todays post, you may notice there are in fact 5 beers displayed. This is true. The fifth beer is not a pumpkin beer, rather, it is the beer that was unanimously voted at the Chris & Liesl Logan Beer Tasting Festival as THE WORST BEER EVER!!!!This is the Left Hand Brewing Company's Milk Stout. There is no alcohol percentage listed, but I can tell you that it isn't enough, whatever the hell it is. I bought this with the intention of of maybe winning best beer or weirdest. I like stout and I like milk stout and I thought, hmmmm.... this looks interesting. Plus, there's a cow with hand-print spots on the label. That cow wouldn't steer me wrong (no pun intended).That cow drove me into the biggest cow patty ever ejected from bovine buttocks. A general consensus was that the beer tasted like an ashtray. As such, it easily won worst beer and I earned the prize of a book about the "most evil" people in history.It was my own fault. I broke rules regarding good beer selection. Mainly, NEVER BUY A DOMESTIC STOUT! I don't care what you think it might taste like, if it was made by some hippie indie brewer in the US, then it's crap. Period.

Random musings and pumpkin tarts

I've decided that Britney Spears, within the next two years will either:A) Become a born again Christian who has discovered the error of her ways, finds Jesus and starts making terrible records like "Confess, baby, one more time" orB) Be dead

She's just that messed up. Those are pretty much the only options for somebody that wacko. If it's "B", maybe we'll get a lucky trifecta and Brit, Paris, and Lindsey will all be out in an SUV that rolls into a ditch and blows up.Today's pumpkin review is for the Archer Farms 4" Pumpkin Tart. Found this one in the Target bakery for $2.99. It's 6 oz of tasty pumpkin goodness (with dollop of cream and a chocolate stick). Don't look at the Nutrition Facts (especially since this thing is supposed to serve 2).It has a good pumpkin flavor but I can't say this is fanamatastic since it largely tastes like a mini-pumpkin pie with extra crust (not that I mind... I like crust). It was good and I'd recommend it, but it isn't the pumpkin find of the year. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.An aside: it went quite well with the Blue Moon Winter Ale (Target was out of the BM Harvest Moon Pumpkin Ale, which will be reviewed later). Both were consumed while watching another dandy episode of Reaper.

Stop! Pumpkin time!

Well, it's pumpkin season again. This year, I fully intend on doing a better job of reporting all of the tasty pumpkin treats. So far this year, there has been a new pumpkin beer, pumpkin pudding, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin tart, pumpkin milk, and pumpkin curry soup. I have a pumpkin cake recipe to try and some pumpkin cream cheese in the fridge. Reviews and pics will follow as time allows.If you happen to find a pumpkin flavored something, let me know so I can try it.And now, for no particular reason, stuff I'm enjoying:Music: Kings of Leon, The Killers, Feist, The Hereafter, The Fratellis, MU330Books: Currently reading, Calendar by David Ewing Duncan and Don't Know Much About the Bible by Kenneth C. DavisTV: Reaper, Supernatural, Pushing Daisies, Dirty Sexy Money, House

Gal's Panic on You Tube

As an addition to last night's post. there are currently four video's on you tube from GP's show at Emo's. Just search "Gals Panic Emo's". Two cuts of the first song "The Pit" and one each (with not so great audio) of "Skoliosis Skank" and "Mummy Cops"

The "Skank" vid hives you a shot of stupid Ireland shirt boy on stage. My arm is visible throughout "Mummy Cops"

Tag.... Tag you're it!

Well, over the weekend, the wife and I went down to Austin to catch a showat Emo's. One of my favorite "local" bands from the 90's was having a reunion gig... Gal's Panic! So, as my birthday present, we drove down for the show and stayed overnight. Here is the synopsis of the events of the trip:
Saturday afternoon, loaded up the VW and left the pups with the sitter
Arrived at the hotel around 4:30. Started noticing way too many motorcycles around
Checked-in. Went to room. Sat around trying to decide what to do next.
Left the hotel to go get dinner. The Dog & Duck pub. It's one of my favorites. Does a swell job of looking and feeling like a real pub AND serves food. Fish and chips are damn tasty. Good beer selection too. Had a Belhaven Scottish (tap) and a Blue Moon Belgian White. MMMMMMM!!!! Saw Arsenal fan. Found out that the Dog & Duck might be no more in about six months cuz some stupid people want to build condos. BOOOO condos!
Drove to Book People, the largest bookstore in Texas. It's nice. Lots of books. Found a book about John Lydon and decided to buy it.
Went back to the hotel. Dropped stuff off.
At this point, realized that the bikers were all in town for some rally/convention/gathering. It was a ROT (Republic of Texas) Biker Rally. Strongly recommend avoiding locations where this is. Motorcycles everywhere. This means there were numerous overweight, sleeveless, hairy people (and the women who love them) all over town.
Headed back out. Discovered there was some stupid parade that was blocking our path to the club. Had to take detour and saw many, many bikers.
FINALLY found parking spot. Walked to club while keeping a wary eye open for ne-er do wells.
Got to club. Checked name off will-call. Nobody there yet. Decided to wander outside.
Stopped at Bull McCabe's Irish Pub. Had a Guinness. It wasn't bad. Not too cold and no stupid shamrock drawn into the foam. Very pubby feeling inside. Mocked silly youth wearing the tweed snap hat, green Ireland t-shirt, and chain bound wallet... you know... every pub has one.
Headed toward 6th street. Saw what might've been a drug deal... or just four people who were crazy
6th street was blocked off to traffic and was covered with loud motorcycles of all kinds. Street and sidewalks were packed. Very Bourbon street feeling. Walked up to the Driskill Hotel. Checked for ghosts. Picked up loose change on a couch and rested for a few minutes.
Walked back down 6th street. Saw the beginnings of what might have been a domestic violence incident. Saw small children amonst the crowd. Saw bike's getting towed. Saw all manner of inappropriate and nauseating clothing on overweight, hairy bikers (men & women)
Arrived back at the club. Went inside. The first band was playing. Got a Blue Moon and stood at the back and listened.
Band: The Catfish Hunters. Jerm Pollet band #1 for the evening. A slower, bluesy, piano lounge, country thing. Enjoyed it. Jerm played piano and made ridiculous comments in between songs.
Browsed the merchadise booth
Moved to the other side of the bar where there was a good view and a stool.
Watched Jerm walk away in a sport coat and shirt and return momentarily in a t-shirt and pink pants.
Talked to Jerm at the merchadise booth. Told him I drove all the way from Ft. Worth and that he and Lance had better not f*** it up! He assured me they wouldn't. Bought four CD's - The "Footloose" audio commentary by The Sinus Show, the afore mentioned Catfish Hunters debut CD, The Total Foxes, and Missile Command. Paid with check. Jerm gave discount for buying in bulk. (Thanks Jerm!)
More Blue Moon
Next act: The Tricker Treats. This was a one-man act. Dan Potthast (of MU330 fame) did some entertaining songs. KKK adopts a highway song was very funny. He wore black leather pants. Could not have been comfortable. Will have to buy CDs from his website. Perhaps this shameless plug will help.
More Blue Moon. Watched silly young drunk girls hit on Dan at the merchandise booth.
Next act: The Total Foxes. Jerm Pollet band #2. They were fun. Jerm is always amusing. Here he gets to play guitar and sing. Have had one of their songs (Retirement Community) on the iPod for a year or so. Jerm makes unfavorable comment about bikers. We laugh and nod in agreement.
Watched as the crowd got bigger. Saw stupid Ireland shirt boy from McCabe's on the other side of the bar. Watched people. Saw guy with really bad haircut. Briefly saw Lance Fever through the crowd.
Watched Jerm disappear and re-emerge wearing a leather suit, feather boa, and oversized sunglasses. Must have been more uncomfortable that Mr. Potthast's leather pants.
One more Blue Moon.
Moved to the side of the club, out of the way of traffic.
Finally: Gal's Panic.
Started with "Pit", then my favorite, "Ketchup". Quickly burned off buzz by yelling and waving arms in air.
Show continues. Lance's parents are pointed out. I move up a little bit to test my mutant power. Back in the day, we always joked that I could start at the back of the club and before the last song, I would be front and center.
Start feeding off the crowd energy. Yelling/singing more. Bouncing a bit more.
"Skoliosis Skank" The pit starts up. I move in. Within a couple of songs, I'm dead center against the stage.
The rest of the show is awesome. Except for the smoke machines. Lance gets really sweaty and takes off his shirt.
During the show, stupid Ireland shirt boy keeps climbing on the stage and trying to help Lance remember the lyrics. Or perhaps he was just showboating. Or maybe he was just drunk. At any rate, he becomes highly annoying with his repeated visits to the stage. Jerm and Lance put up with a lot.
Main set ends. Band pretends to be done. We all know better. There were no Mummy Cops and the theme song hadn't been played yet. Girl to my right, who had been helping me yell the opening to Mummy Cops, shakes my hand and yells something in my ear that I do not understand.
Encore
Finally... Lance taps the microphone and we get the awesome words "You guys look tough... you guys look mean... but you don't scare me." Look out... it's the Mummy Cops!
Gal's Panic is played. High Fives to the front row. Jerm throws water (or spits, I can't remember now) at us. Bouncer finally comes to retrieve stupid Ireland shirt kid.
Show winds down... I move to the back where my wife has been standing. I stay there for the final song "We've only just begun"
I go say "Hi" to Lance. See Jerm and tell him they didn't suck. Retrieve setlist from the Total Foxes (Jerm wrote it on a paper plate).
Get pen from wife. Return to get Lance to sign it. Lance Fever by the way is also known as Lance Myers and he does computer animation. He worked as a lead animator on "A Scanner Darkly"
Took plate over to merchandise booth. Got Dan to sign it and leave his website
Got Jerm to sign plate. Try not to look at Jerm's butt crack which is now visible from his unzipped leather suit.
Realize I am soaked in sweat. Wife won't hug me. I don't blame her. Need a shower. Suddenly feel somewhat stupid for being a 32-year-old in a mosh pit.
We leave.
See kid puking on street corner. He is smiling.
Retrieve car
Drive back to hotel
Shower (YAY!)
get ready for bed
try to go to sleep to the peaceful sounds of jerky bikers in the parking lot revving their bikes at 3 AM
Wake up. Get dressed. Pack. Leave hotel.
Go to Chez Zee for brunch. Croissant with strawberry butter, dutch chocolate milk, gingerbread pancakes, and country potatoes. Stuffed face. Couldn't finish.
Get on the road. Bypass exciting new toll road. Try and avoid jerky bikers who can't follow traffic rules.
Stop for gas outside of Waco. See chihuahua wearing a San Antonio spurs cap.
Arrive home to happy pups!

Goin' South

Have you seen the commercial for the super duper compilation of "Southern Rock" classics[Goin' South Platinum Collection]? It's great, if you like that sort of thing. 30 of the "biggest Southern Rock classics of all time" or so the ad says.
I watch the ad and the list of songs scrolls up the screen. It looks something like this:
01 Sweet Home Alabama Lynyrd Skynyrd
02 Heard It In A Love Song Marshall Tucker Band
03 Rocky Mountain Way Joe Walsh
04 The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down The Band
05 Wild-Eyed Southern Boys .38 Special
06 Jim Dandy Black Oak Arkansas
07 Fooled Around And Fell In Love Elvin Bishop
08 Bad To The Bone George Thorogood & The Destroyers
09 Long Time Gone Dickey Betts
10 Boom Boom (Out Go The Lights) Pat Travers
11 Coming Home Johnny Van Zant Band
12 Can't You See Marshall Tucker Band
13 Keep On Smilin' Wet Willie
14 Radar Love Golden Earring
15 Walk Away James Gang
16 Free Bird Lynyrd Skynyrd
Wait a minute.... back that up...
14 Radar Love Golden Earring
What the...?!!?! Golden Earring!??!!? They're from the Netherlands, which, last time I checked, WAS NOT a part of the Southern United States. I'd really like to know how the heck they ended up on this compilation.
I don't know if this is just another example of stupid Americans or wishful thinking.

Dallas Stars suck

You will never convince me that getting rid of Ken Hitchcock was a good idea. They fired him because they didn't like his demanding nature and all the pansy arsed players felt like he was too tough.
Well, yet again, the Stars get bounced from the playoffs in the first round. Why? Pretty much cuz they are a bunch of pansy arsed players. I'm sure coach Tippett is very concerned about their feelings and making sure they're happy and have plenty of pretty flowers in their lockers after every game they lose. But that don't win Stanley Cups.
Meanwhile, why was dumbass extrordinaire Tom Hicks watching a meaningless game at Whatever The Feck They Call The Ballpark In Arlington (The Rangers lost to the crummy Mariners, by the way) when his hockey team was playing a Game 7 playoff match in Vancouver? Can he not afford airfare after buying another team that I'm sure he'll run into the ground (Liverpool Football Club)?
*Note to Ron Washington: You seem like a nice guy, but so far, I'm not convinced you were a good choice.

Voting

If there is one argument that really hacks me off, it's when I hear somebody use the tired old line about "If you don't vote, you can't complain."
That's garbage and I'll tell you why. There are two key reasons.
First off, if you pay taxes, you damn sure have every right to complain whether you voted or not. If I'm giving my hard earned money to the government (and not of my own free will, I might add), I should definitely be able to gripe about how it's being used. This is a lot like fathers paying child support and not being allowed to have a say in how the children are being raised. Granted, a lot of fathers DON'T have that ability (and others really shouldn't), but that is beside the point. The point is that if your money goes to supporting something, that gives you the ability to complain if you don't like the way the organization is run (unless you sign something that says you can give money, but beyond that, shut the hell up).
Second, more often than not, our "choices" for which we may cast our "important and precious" vote are worthless. I mean both (or sometimes, all three, but rarely more than that) are just walking dung heaps in suits wrapped in a flag looking for a photo op with a noted civil rights activist (preferably a minority) and/or Jesus. Neither candidate is actually smart enough or honorable enough to actually hold the office for which they are campaigning, but that's all we get to choose. So what if you can't stand any of them? Do you vote for the one you despise the least? How is that helping? All you're doing is giving our esteemed 2-party system (remember, that's one party away from true non-democracy.... mmmmmm... mono-partisan! It's not just for fascists anymore!) the green light to continue to put jackasses in office.
Now some of you mind-numbing political zombies are saying, "Well, why don't you just write in somebody?" Well, that's what I do, now, at least on the ballots where that's an option. They don't give you that option in every contest.
(Aside: There is an organization called NOTA. They are a group that would like to put "None of the Above" on all ballots and then if NOTA got the majority, all candidates would essentially be rejected. New candidates would then be selected and it would start all over again until the idiots actually produced candidates that weren't as worthless as a weatherman in Texas.)
When I don't vote, it's not because I'm lazy. Quite the contrary. I don't vote because quite simply, the thought of actually making it appear that I support one of these fools makes my stomach churn. I don't vote because the politicos are too stupid and lazy to present candidates that would actually be good.
Typically, none of the candidates really represents my ideals and philosophies. I don't want abortion banned, I don't want guns banned, lighten up on alcohol, cigarrettes, and marijuana, the death penalty is a good thing, and Jesus' philosophy was more akin to socialism (so leave him out of this). So what, I'm supposed to vote for somebody that has publically stated that they support doing things I don't agree with?
So, if you want me to vote, give me something to vote FOR. Voting for somebody simply to vote against somebody else is a poor reason to continue the cycle.
And don't tell me I can't complain.

Snow?

Okay, today's weather was weird, even for Texas. It's April and we had snow flurries.
That's Rickdiculous. Or Ludacris. Whichever exaggeration you prefer.
At any rate, I find it ironic that we can never get snow around Christmas but we can have snow at Easter. I don't know if this is global warming or El Nino or aliens, but I wish they'd knock it the heck off.
In other news, the Fabulous Tom "I don't know crap about running North American sports so now I'm going to run a prestigious English football club into the ground" Hicks has once again given the finger to Rangers fans. He basically told them all that if you want him to spend money on players that don't suck, the fans have to go out and spend money to watch the current sucky players play.
What sort of stupid business model is that? In what other industry can you give the ultimatum that unless you buy the faulty, overpriced, poorly designed product, the manufacturer refuses to put money into R&D to produce a quality product that people might actually want? Mr. Hicks needs to quit reading Dilbert and thinking that it's a How-To guide to successful business decisions.

Happy Birthday, Inky!

So, today was Pete Incaviglia's birthday.
Now I know, most of you are like, "Who?!!?" while a few others are like, "Why do you even care?!!?"
Okay, Pete was a sub-average player over most of career, but I'll tell ya, some of the most fun I ever had out at the old Arlington Stadium was watching Inky run like cow on fire down the first base line. He wasn't graceful and he wasn't fast, but man... he gave it his all. Same thing in left field.
He's best known as one of the greatest college players in history. He also never spent a day in the minor leagues (although maybe he should have). He was a slugger and he struck out... a lot. But I don't care. Next to Nolan Ryan, Pete Incaviglia is my favorite player.
Sure he's got a rep for being a jerk to fans. And yeah, his career was kind of pathetic, especially towards the end. So what that he was recently let go as aminor league hitting coach. He's Inky, and I think he's great.
For one thing, it's nice to like a guy that you can get memorabilia really cheap.
Once, I had a vivid dream that I discovered my living room wall could move. I pushed it aside and discovered that Pete Incaviglia had been living in a secret room behind my living room wall. He seemed annoyed that I'd found him, but he couldn't protest. He was, after all, living for free behind my living room wall.
This, like many other dreams, is not something I can figure out what my subconscious was trying to say. I don't think Freud ever covered dreams about former baseball players who live in secret compartments of one's home.
At any rate, happy birthday, Inky, wherever you are!

Wild animals

This is a baby cow (sometimes known as a calf to people who like to describe a juvenile bovine in terms above a first grade level) we saw at the Fort Worth zoo. Does anybody else find it just a tad bit silly to go to the ZOO in FORT WORTH, TEXAS to see a COW?

Resolutions

Yeah... so much for that New Year's Resolution to write in this blog more often...