Friday, April 28, 2006

Scumbag arrested for torturing Mercy
21-year-old scumbag named Deshann Quatrail Brown was arrested Thursday morning for the torture that led to the death of Mercy. I hope the rest of his life is as enjoyable as Mercy's last 10 days.
Operation Kindness will be having a memorial service for Mercy (and ALL animals that died due to jerky humans) on Saturday morning. Click the link above to go to OK's Mercy page for more info on Mercy, the memorial service, and the arrest of Deshann Brown.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Gas Out!!! Stupid Morons.

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Politics (Gas Out)
(This message is for anyone who believes that if we boycott Exxon/Mobil, that the price of gas will come down.)
Dear Retards,
Once again, some moron has come with another brilliant idea to help solve the problem of soaring gas prices. Presumably, there is a cave somewhere in which a troll or some other mischevious creature, perhaps even the cast of "Jackass", sits around and comes up with asinine ideas that the ignorant masses will follow.
The fabulous "don't buy gas on such and such specific day" apparently has lost most of its supporters, either because people got bored with it or they actually had it pounded into their skulls that it wouldn't work. So, another ridiculous scheme needed to fill this particular void .
This time, the idea is that if we all band together (first flaw of any plan is EVERYBODY standing together) and not buy gas from the biggest oil company, Exxon/Mobil, then they will have to drop prices and the other companies will follow suit. It don't work that way. I'm not going to go into great detail here (please click the link at the top that will take you to Snopes and will explain the whole thing), but the basics are, Exxon won't lower it's price because people will still buy the gas. Not individual car owners, but all the OTHER gas companies that are experiencing higher demand at their pumps because the masses are still using the same amount of gas. They're just getting it from fewer places. And this foolish plan turns Exxon into yet another middleman and so the gas becomes MORE expensive.
Quick supply and demand lesson: price is based on supply and demand. If supply decreases, price goes up. If demand increases, price goes up. In the boycott scenario, all you've done is keep demand by consumers the same, increase the demand for the other gas stations, and Exxon's supply doesn't really change. The supply just goes to a different place.
People, the ONLY way to bring gas down is to lower the demand. YOU have to do that. Yes, the gas companies are evil, soulless, greedy entities but they take advantage of you because you allow it. Stop driving so fast, stop driving so much, stop buying Hummers & Excursions and other ridiculously oversized vehicles that you don't need. Don't drive to places you can walk. Buy a bicycle. If you've got public transportation, use it. Lose some weight.
It pisses me off when I see some gigantic vehicle that has one or maybe two people in it. Why do you do that? How about you only use the behemoth when you actually need it and stop sucking down gas. Yeah, mini-vans aren't cool, but neither is paying $5 a gallon for gas. If you have bought a vehicle in the last 4 years that gets less than 25 miles to a gallon, somebody needs to beat you with the learnin' stick.
I've been a big supporter of capitalism most of my life, but it requires everybody (flaw in the plan alert) to particpate if it's gonna work. Why does Starbucks charge so much money for their coffee? Because people keep buying it. Gas works the same way. Exxon made obscene profits last year. Where did that money come from? That's right, it came from YOU.
Remember if gas goes up, the cost of EVERYTHING goes up. All those freakin' trucks that haul goods across country? Gas driven. And the first thing to understand about companies is that they won't absorb the increased fuel costs, they will just pass them on to their customers, which means that you get to pay more for everything.
No poorly conceived boycott is going to get the job done. If you want to actually make a change, you have to change your lifestyle. Guess what, that Avalanche doesn't give you status except to other jackass gas guzzling jerks. Do you wanna be popular with the jerks?
Figure it out quick, people. Otherwise, you might be choosing between your house and your Excursion.

PS. Everybody should visit once in awhile. I finally got my mom to check this place out whenever she gets some stupid fwd message that tries to spread stupid or wrong information. Anything that comes through you inbox that purports to be fact should go through the Snopes test.

PPS. Find the MFers that tortured Mercy.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

R.I.P. Mercy

The reward is now up to $11,000 by the way. (Poster from Russ Martin's myspace page).
Mercy, who died Sunday night, was a 10-month-old puppy who was found burned and stabbed Easter weekend. After a week of surgeries and care, her heart finally just gave out. Whoever did this to such a sweet dog needs to be caught and prosecuted.

People suck.

(Read Mercy's full story on the Operation Kindness site)

Monday, April 17, 2006

BACON!!!?!?!?! WHAT THE F&#$?????

Okay, I do not understand people's fascination with bacon. I love dead animal flesh as much as the next guy but I don't see the point of bacon. It's greasy and crunchy and dry and more fat than meat. And yet, it's everywhere. Not a damn day goes by that I don't see some reference to how much people love freakin' bacon! MEAT SHOULD NOT BE CRUNCHY, PEOPLE!!!!

Now Canadian bacon, nice thick pieces of meat that is tender.... mmmmm... yeah. But that crap you people love slapping on sandwiches and can't seem to get through breakfast without eating... no... no, man... that is just ridiculous.

I'm putting bacon on the list of "Things I don't understand it's popularity".... right above Paris Hilton and right below mySpace. (F*$% mySpace)

And now, another excerpt from the "Stuff" archives:

"Gosh," I said, "I'm really very silly tonight. Perhaps I should be so
bold and say that I am a downright loony."
I pondered this realization for a moment and decided it would be best if
I kept this startling revelation to myself. I had just decided that I
should, in fact, proceed with giving myself the Rorshach test using Miss
Wendell's notebook paper and the small, single serve ketchup containers
I had accumulated in my pocket from various trips to fast food
restaurants, when, all of a sudden, thanks to this incredibly long
run-on sentence that is quickly losing all semblance of a coherent
thought and is, in fact, I believe, as far from being proper in the idea
that this relates to exemplary English form as could possibly be, not
that it matters, due to my lack of vision and insufficient training in
the art of prose. This being said, my boss, Larry, approached me from
beyond the far table.
"Ghfqpowihrt," he said calmly, "Why is it that whenever I look in you
direction, you never seem to be working, but rather you do appear to be
not working. The scientific term for this is, I believe, 'goofing off'."
"Well, sir," I quickly responded, not wanting to appear as distracted
and uninterested by this blathering buffoon as I actually was, "I was
actually trying to use my subconscious to paranormally do the work for
me, thus cutting down on my personal fatigue and saving the company
money, in that I would be able to work much longer hours and not be
tired, which, I'm sure you can see, would be very beneficial to the
company and therefore, would definitely be an idea that is worth
pursuing, I think you would agree." Truthfully, I had done nothing of
the sort. This rhetoric was simply some nonsense I had seen on a
televison program the night before. But I absolutely could not tell my
boss that I was sitting there trying to decipher my own psychological
makeup using notebook paper and ketchup packets. That would be absurd. My
only hope would be that my boss would actually buy this ridiculous story
and leave me alone so that I might continue my self analysis.
"Hmmmmm," he said, "Do you realize, that you are the only person I know
who regularly talks in run-on sentences that stray from the subject
until the are just colossal jumbles of meaningless combinations of
"No sir. I did not realize that," I said.
"Aaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh!" exclaimed my superior, "You make my head hurt!"
With that he turned and walked back towards his office, beyond the far
table, where Miss Jane began that ill-fated affair with Mr. Jennings
from engineering. They never should have used that table.

Saturday, April 8, 2006

Multi-tasking at 5:30 AM...

Today's blog will have multiple topics. Why? Because I thought of a bunch of stupid little things to say.

On April 16th at the Movie Grill in Addison, The Sinus Show (formerly Mr. Sinus Theater) will be "performing" "Dirty Dancing". Sinus, for those of you who don't know, is a trio of guys (led by Jerm Pollet, who used to play guitar for one of my favorite bands, Gal's Panic) from Austin who make fun of movies. It's just like Mystery Science Theater except that it's live and in person and they usually do movies you've heard of. They are hilarious. Tickets are like twelve bucks and I believe they go on sale on Tuesday. My wife and I will be there and I'm going to tell all my friends (that'll take like 2 minutes). Check out The Sinus Show website.

Apparently, I have a clone or a twin brother (besides Nate). I am frequently stopped by people I don't know who ask me things like, "Do you have a brother named..." or "Hey! I saw you at [place I was not at]." The nice lady in the dart department at Fort Worth Billiards consistently gets me confused with a guy named Jason (who apparently looks just like me) and the manager of the Oompa Loompas (the cleaning crew where I work... story for another blog) stopped me in the breakroom yesterday and asked if I had a brother named Brian. I've had people swear they saw me at Ranger games and Scarborough Faire when I wasn't there (a rhyme!). If you are my clone, please call. I need a decoy.

In a related story, the weirdest case of mistaken identity I've had is about ten years ago when I was still working at Kroger. The brain damaged chick who was working the register in the middle of the night asked me, "Do you have a brother named John? There was this guy I met who looks just like you and his name was John." "Uh, no," I replied, "My name IS John. We're you thinking of me?" She had a quizzical look and replied, "Nooooooo....." and trailed off. I took my crackers and went to eat lunch. Never did figure out what that was all about.

I HATE Larry the Cable Guy. If you have to ask why, then I probably don't like you much either.
And now, just for the hell of it, another in a recently decided presentation of old junk I wrote years ago. This time, it's horoscopes. Or rather, "Horrorscopes". Back in '97 when we (we being mostly Ray and myself with help from Randy) were initially trying to get the Don't Ask Productions web page started (and strangely, we're still kind of in that boat), we attmpted to do monthly horoscopes from our resident soothsayer, Nostradorkus. Here are the ones he came up with in March. Keep in mind I wrote these 9 years ago and most of these were written with people I hung out with at the time.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) - I am the Eggman. They are the Eggmen. I am the Walrus. Goo goo ga joo.

Aries (March 21-April 19) - The only way you are going to burn off excess fat is to set yourself on fire. I see a period of darkness in you life followed by a period of light.... and then darkness again... and some more light....

Taurus (April 20-May 20) - Toothpaste figures prominently into your immediate future. Ease tensions at work by killing your boss with the water cooler. For crying out loud, stop calling me!

Gemini (May 21-June 20) - What have you done to your hair?!!?!?!.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) - WHOA! Get THAT thought out of your head right now! That’s repulsive.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) - He takes a whiskey drink, he takes a vodka drink, he takes a lager drink, he takes a cider drink, and he STILL won’t find you remotely attractive.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) IRS seeks soulmate who cheated on their taxes for the past 12 years. I gave them your phone number.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) - Your dream job is within grasp. That isn’t what the water hose is for. Cut it out. I like cheese!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) - You know, I’m too damn busy to think of anything good for you. GO AWAY!!! Oh wait, here’s some advice.... BITE ME! (Especially you, you gorgeous sex kitten you!).

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) - Viva la France! Your life may seem boring now, but just wait until summer. Pickles are like that..

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - Can you say “New fry cook at McDonald’s”? GOOD!.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - Dick Clark and Ed McMahon dropped by and asked me to tell you: YOU ARE A GUARANTEED $10 MILLION LOSER!