Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Godless Satan Worshipping Phillies: 1, Jesus Rays 0

Well, some idiot Christians whined for years about Tampa Bay being the "Devil Rays" because, despite it being the name of a largely benign sea creature, "devil" was in the name. And like devil's food cake, deviled ham, and the Devil went down to Georgia, the Major League baseball club from Tampa Bay was obviously an instrument of the prince of darkness and thus despised by God Almighty.
So, Tampa Bay has sucked at baseball all these years because God has purposefully willed them to not win because the "Devil" was in the details.

(See: "World Series: Has God played a role in Rays' heavenly season?" by Rachel Zoll)

So, since the Rays dropped the diabolical descriptive from their official name and then proceeded to achieve their first winning season AND a trip to the World Series, some [moronic evangelicals] have suggested that God was rewarding them from removing the unholiness from their moniker.
And yet, much like praying for that cure for cancer, in the end, God simply toyed with Tampa Bay and it's fans.
The Philadelphia Phillies, from a city so ironically nicknamed the "City of Brotherly Love", beat the Rays 4 games to 1. Either God liked being a jerk or the Evangelicals are once again showing how unbelievably foolish their Puritanical belief system really is.

This is a Devil Ray:As one can see, this FISH has these little horn thingies on the front that help them eat Plankton or something. It also has a tail. Horns & tails... why, the Devil has those! It reminds people of the devil! Let's call it a Devil Ray, even though it's scientific name is Manta!

Fish, as far as anybody can determine, have no religious affiliation. Further, we have no idea what they name themselves or if the even have a self-awareness about them to identify what they are. So, "devil ray" is simply a name created by humans to describe a weird looking fish. The fish itself has no connection to God or Satan (as far as we know).

So, it seems pretty freakin ridiculous for anybody to get their jockstrap in a bunch about naming a baseball team after a fish. Yes, the word "Devil" was in the name. So what? Do you really think that your God finds that offensive? How petty and stupid is your God? People suffer all over the world each and every day for a variety of reasons. Is this because God is too busy agonizing over the nickname of a baseball team located in Florida? Holy Priorities!

The New Jersey Devils have won Stanley Cups. Manchester United (scum of the Earth they may be) are one of the most dominant professional clubs in any sport over the last 15 years and they're called the "Red Devils." Meanwhile, The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (hmmm... "The Angels Angels" you'd think they'd fix that), a decidedly heavenly team, lost to the Red Sox. Sox seem pretty non-denominational and secular... angels are supposed to be God's personal army. How odd.
And then there's the New Orleans Saints... man, what's God got against them?

I was actually kind of leaning towards wanting to see Tampa Bay win the series... you know... the feel good story.... the crappy team who turned it around. Then I saw the crap about God and the Devil Rays. I knew they had dropped "Devil", and I knew that some of the Christan Atheletes and Evangelicals had asked to drop the name, but I hadn't paid much attention. Until somebody had to go and bring God's sports favoritism into things. Just as I find it pathetic and hilarious when I see some simpleton athelete thank God for helping him win, I decided that it would be more fun to see a team as boring as the Phillies from a city as crummy as Philly, beat the team of divine providence.

The actual reasons for the name change vary. The official spiel is that they were just trying to start fresh and erase 10 season of lousy baseball. Apparently, "Rays" no longer refers to a fish, but some goofy beam of light that brightens up Tampa or some nonsense. And I though the Oklahoma City Thunder was an idiotic name.
Whether or not the club actually caved in to irrational Jesus lovers or they wanted to start fresh by instilling the club with a name that might as well have been expelled by a bottle of Fabreeze, I don't know.
Personally, if they are going to go by just "Rays" then I say they should hire all the no-longer A-list celebs named Ray to hang out at the club, drive mini-cars in between innings, fight with the San Diego Chicken, and dance like organ grinder monkeys for drunk peanut wielding fans. Ray Romano, Ray Liotta, Ray Stevens... these are but a few. Ray Liotta is far more intimidating that a beam of light.

So anyway, God apparently was only pleased enough with the name change that he allowed the Rays players and fans a brief taste of success before ripping their hearts out and smiting their hopes and dreams.

Better luck next year.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Almost moderately not completely unknown

So, they other day, I sent out an email to some friends of mine alerting them to the snarky comedic goodness that is The Comics Curmudgeon, a daily blog hopelessly devoted to mocking ridiculous newspaper comic strips (like Mary Worth and the Family Circus and that awful thing called Pluggers). Among the people I sent this to was one Robert Philpot, entertainment/television critic type guy (and former radio columnist) for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. Rob and I have had an informal sort of friendship from back in the days when I was a DJ on KTCU and he was desperate for any radio news. I figured Rob might like it. Apparently he did as he proceeded to give it (and me and this blog) a little write up in the Startlegram's online Pop Cultural District blog. Wasn't expecting that. I don't know if it will actually increase traffic to this thing, but maybe I should start posting regularly now...