Friday, May 26, 2006

Snakes on a plane to Vegas

Okay, before I give my vacation report, let me just say that I just watched a a trailer for "Snakes on a Plane". I will NOT be seeing that.... ever. I hate snakes. Hate 'em. and the thought of being trapped on a plane with hundred of poisonous snakes is enough to send me into cardiac arrest right now. If anybody thinks it would be fun to trick me into seeing this movie, ask yourself if it will be fun to lose an arm when I rip it from its socket during my blind panic hysterical fit.
I actually want to see it (but I WON'T) since
A) Samuel L. Jackson is the lead and nothing says over the top draction (drama + action) like SLJ
B) Kenan Thompson has a role in it and he's one of the few people in the current SNL cast that absolutely cracks me up.
C) It's called "Snakes on a Plane". The title and premise are so ridiculous! Reportedly, SoaP was the working title and they eventually changed it to Pacific Air Flight 121, but Samuel L. Jackson threatened the producers with death (well, maybe not threatened with death) if they didn't change it back to "Snakes on a Plane." He said that was the only reason he took the part!
So anyway... what was I doing.... oh yeah... vacation report.
On May 14th, my wife and I got on a plane and went to Las Vegas. We came back on May 17th. Here, as best as I can remember (a week later), is what happened.
Sunday, May 14th
Drove to the Parking Spot in Irving. Parked truck. Took shuttle to DFW airport.
Went through normal airport crap. Got Starbucks. Boarded plane.
Plane ride uneventful. Biscotti & Dr. Pepper snack. Looked out window. Saw Grand Canyon. No snakes.
Landed in Vegas. Got off plane. Headed to baggage claim. Saw giant snake, scorpion, and horned frog made out of sand-like substance. Saw many signs for people I hate (Carrot Top, Toby Kieth). Got luggage.
Took shuttle to the Aladdin hotel and casino thingy. Couldn't check in yet. Dropped off luggage at bell desk. Went to buffet downstairs. Ate like pigs. Root beer for breakfast.
Wandered around mall. Looked at stuff. Bought some weird finger manicure sets from extroverted Israeli woman.
Checked in. Were accosted by employees who tried to give us a free show and dinner inexchange for wasting two hours of our day listening to some schpiel about condos. Politely declined and ran away. Went to room.
Dropped off luggage. Looked at room. Turned on TV. Turned off TV. Went downstairs.
Saw two Arsenal fans in the casino.
Went outside. Walked along the strip. Avoided scary people trying to give us cards that led to porn. Saw fountains do a routine to Celine Dion's Titanic song. Went to the Mirage. Saw lion. Got water. Wandered around.
Took train thingy to Treasure Island. Picked up tickets for Cirque du Soleil: Mystere. Went to Ben & Jerry's. Discussed how stupid a particular group of kids was.
Saw Mystere. Mystere was cool. Highly recommended. Unfortunately, I fell asleep a couple of times when the music was soothing and there wasn't a lot of fast paced action.
Went out to see the stupidest pirate show ever. I recommend everyone go see this show. It's a bunch of stupid, unmanly pirates attempting to do battle with a group of "sirens." These sirens sing ridiculous songs and dress like Britney Spears backup dancers while enticing these idiot pirates. Long story short, pirate ship sinks, sirens win, audience feels stupid and dirty. Worst pirates ever.
Went to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner. MMmmmmmmm.... CPK....
Went back to room. Watched Desperate Housewives & Grey's Anatomy. Fell asleep.
Okay, that's enough for today. I'm sure I forgot something in there (which my wife can point out to me later). Perhaps tomorrow I'll finish this.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Fantasy Hit List

Okay, since I'm pissed off at my job (yes, again... somebody stole my lunch) and don't feel like working, I thought I'd take a moment to post my Fantasy Hit List.

This was something I thought up shortly after arriving at the Las Vegas airport recently. At the baggage carousel, I was greeted by a huge ad for Carrot Top. I hate that guy. Then I thought, gee, if I had a free pass, I'd probably shoot that guy just so I didn't have to see or hear about him anymore.

Then it turned into a list.

It's simple really. Imagine you had a gun and you had a free pass to erase 6 people (6 isn't arbitrary, by the way, I just like 6 shooters) you couldn't stand. 6 bullets, 6 less annoying people. You should really try and stay in the realm of "celebrities" and not answer things like "my boss" or "that jerk that takes up two parking spots at the Piggly Wiggly." Everybody hates those people and it's not surprising or interesting as to why you'd shoot them.
Anyway, here's mine (at least this week):

6. Carrot Top - Had I not gone to Vegas and seen his idiotic face everywhere, He might not have made the list. I don't think I need to explain why he's on this list, do I?

5. Toby Kieth - Represents everything that is wrong with today's "country" music

4. Jessica Simpson - unintelligent, unattractive, untalented, overexposed

3. Sean Hannity - Smug jackass whose idea of a perfect America is just completely WRONG

2. Barry Bonds - He makes it difficult for me to enjoy baseball

1. Larry the Cable Guy - not funny, at all. I hate all of the "Blue Collar" comedians, but this guy is the worst.

I'm thinking of turning this into my first Hellspam email. Hellspam is something I've been threatening to do for years. I'm sick of all the happy, cute, "inspiring" emails (most of which are hoaxes anyway) that people forward me so I thought about retaliating by starting to send out "evil fwds", you know, stuff that is the complete opposite of feel good or inspiring.