Monday, October 9, 2006

Attack of the Pumpkin Boy!

Well, it's that time of year again. Pumpkin season. MMMMMM! Every year, it seems like there are more and more entries into the "what can we make that tastes like pumpkin" corner of the kitchen.
One thing that I'm required BY LAW to do is to try any pumpkin based food that I come across (another law is that I must stop at any Stuckey's that I find). So this year, I've decided to review all of the pumpkin crap that I try. Believe me, this will give me entry material for weeks.
The first entry is made by Little Debbie. Before Debbie grew up and did Dallas, she made cheap snack cakes. Presumably she made a lot of snack cakes because I believe what you find in the store has been stored in a warehouse since Debbie originally made these things back in the 19th century.
Anyway, this year, I found these things called "Pumpkin Delights." I figured I'd pick them up because:
A) They were cheap
B) They were suprisingly not really that nutritionally bad for you
C) As I said, I'm required by law.
"Pumpkin Delights" are soft cookies supposedly shaped like pumpkins with poorly detailed jack o' lantern faces. Inside the eyes and mouth of the face is an unidentified goo that is presumably supposed to be pumpkin guts.
These were surprisingly not too bad. They didn't have a really strong pumpkin flavor (more gingerbready maybe), but they were still a cheap, tasty little snack treat. They fit nicely in a lunchsack or are a good in between meal snack when you get sick of eating Sun Chips.
3 out of 5 pumpkins. Mid range pumpkin flavor but high snackability.
And now onto something to irritate you.
I have no idea why this popped into my head the other day. I suddenly thought of this moron of a customer I had while bartending. We'll call him "Mr. Small." Mr. Small was a dumbass. I mean, textbook case. I could really go into why this is, but I'm going to focus on the specific part that popped into my head.
Mr. Small started dating this girl. A girl he would bring to the pub. A girl he would buy drinks for. He used the fact that we all knew him and thus didn't think he anything of the fact that he was buying drinks for his underage girlfriend. We found this out when he proudly brought her up one night and announced it was her 21st birthday and then claimed he didn't know.
Anyway, Mr. Small and girl broke up. Shortly thereafter, girl discovers she is pregnant with Mr. Small's moron spawn. They don't get back together, but they do decide to have the kid. After the birth, Mr. Small comes up to the pub and proudly struts around showing pictures of his kid. And boy was he proud.
And then it hits me... what the F$%# are you so proud of? You didn't really do anything that the majority of males of any species couldn't do. You didn't plan on it, you didn't actually give birth to it, you spend most of your time broke and unemployed, mooching off other people. Okay, so you made a brand new human. Wow. What an accomplishment. You had unprotected sex and made a baby! Don't see one of those everyday. Every morning while I sit in traffic, surrounded by people in cars, I think to myself, "Isn't it a shame that there are so few people. If only it were EASIER to make more of them!"
I apologise to those people who would make exceptional parents and really want kids but for some reason or another are unable. Those circumstances make Mr. Small's pride even less warranted. People who SHOULD be parents and PLAN to be parents and are RESPONSIBLE enough to be parents are unable to. Meanwhile, a guy who probably couldn't get hired at that place where all the CareerBuilder monkeys work, helps create human life by just plain being irresponsible. Yeah, that's fair.
Of course, Mr. Small isn't the only guy I've seen do this. There have been others. And most of them were just as irresponsible and just as proud. Okay, you had a kid. Congrats. Now, quit patting yourself on the back for forcing some woman to eject a bowling ball because of your carelessness and grow up. It's embarrassing when you pre-schooler is more mature than you are.

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