Monday, June 5, 2006

myspace sucks

Do you have a myspace page? Probably. Everybody has one. Celebrities have them, bands that are trying to get heard have them, Goths have them, stupid adolescent children have them. It's basically the AOL of personal webpages.

I have a myspace page. It's a wasteland. I have 27 "friends." Of those 27 friends, 6 are actually friends. The others:
8 bands (2 contain actual friends, 2 acquaintances. 5 bands I have actually listened to, none of them have I seen)
2 acquaintances (1 is a friend of a friend, the other is a guy who only knows me through email)
8 celebrities that don't know me from pudding
3 "Other" (a radio show, a radio station, and a comedy act)
Meanwhile, my blog has two stupid posts. The rest of it is a bunch of lists of crap I like and something that almost resembles a resume. It looks like a monkey crapped a Spencer's Gifts and flung it on a wall.

And THAT is why I hate myspace. Do you remember when you were a kid and you had your room "decorated" with all the now embarrassing pop culture merchandising? And whenever somebody new came over you dragged that person into your room to show them how much you love whatever junk you proudly displayed. That's how my room was. Posters of cars, Nolan Ryan, Star Wars, Transformers, whatever band I liked that week, Halloween decorations, Christmas lights, an oddball assortment of ticket stubs and knickknacks, comic books, a taco, the Red Spot of Death, sombreros... crap like that. My walls were covered with stuff. It would take you forever to identify it all. It was a small, poorly financed museum of teenage nerdocity.

Now, imagine all that mess smashed onto one webpage. That is your average myspace page. Too many colors, too many pictures, loud music, way too many tiny words. It makes my head hurt trying to decipher these things.

I realize that for most of these people, myspace is the only way that they can show their uniqueness to the world and at the same time, show how popular they are with their thousands of friends they have never met.

Tom, the guy who created this waste of myspace, currently has 83,070,192 friends. Before he created myspace, Tom had 3 friends, if you count his Mom (she doesn't) and his goldfish. Tom realized that he could be the most popular guy in the world if he could create something on the web that appeals to people the way American Idol appeals to people. That appeal: mindless waste of time that has little value but allows the average hillbilly or teenage girl the appearance of actually being a part of something that is popular (like voting for which hack will get be "American Idol." Don't get me started. Why aren't the Christians condemning this show for trying to get teenagers to worship idols? Whatever...).

So there. myspace sucks. If you have a myspace page and don't agree with me... whatever. You could leave a comment, but chances are, it will have poor grammar and spelling, little or no punctuation, and a lack of logic that rivals an episode of 90210.

Guess what, myspace ain't cool anymore. It's nothing but losers trying to show off and commercials for people trying to sell themselves.

If I thought anybody actually read this blog... I might feel like a hypocrite. Instead, I'm just a pathetic guy writing a blog about how much he hates myspace.

I need a porch, a rocking chair, and a shotgun....


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