BACON!!!?!?!?! WHAT THE F&#$?????

Okay, I do not understand people's fascination with bacon. I love dead animal flesh as much as the next guy but I don't see the point of bacon. It's greasy and crunchy and dry and more fat than meat. And yet, it's everywhere. Not a damn day goes by that I don't see some reference to how much people love freakin' bacon! MEAT SHOULD NOT BE CRUNCHY, PEOPLE!!!!

Now Canadian bacon, nice thick pieces of meat that is tender.... mmmmm... yeah. But that crap you people love slapping on sandwiches and can't seem to get through breakfast without eating... no... no, man... that is just ridiculous.

I'm putting bacon on the list of "Things I don't understand it's popularity".... right above Paris Hilton and right below mySpace. (F*$% mySpace)


And now, another excerpt from the "Stuff" archives:

"Gosh," I said, "I'm really very silly tonight. Perhaps I should be so
bold and say that I am a downright loony."
I pondered this realization for a moment and decided it would be best if
I kept this startling revelation to myself. I had just decided that I
should, in fact, proceed with giving myself the Rorshach test using Miss
Wendell's notebook paper and the small, single serve ketchup containers
I had accumulated in my pocket from various trips to fast food
restaurants, when, all of a sudden, thanks to this incredibly long
run-on sentence that is quickly losing all semblance of a coherent
thought and is, in fact, I believe, as far from being proper in the idea
that this relates to exemplary English form as could possibly be, not
that it matters, due to my lack of vision and insufficient training in
the art of prose. This being said, my boss, Larry, approached me from
beyond the far table.
"Ghfqpowihrt," he said calmly, "Why is it that whenever I look in you
direction, you never seem to be working, but rather you do appear to be
not working. The scientific term for this is, I believe, 'goofing off'."
"Well, sir," I quickly responded, not wanting to appear as distracted
and uninterested by this blathering buffoon as I actually was, "I was
actually trying to use my subconscious to paranormally do the work for
me, thus cutting down on my personal fatigue and saving the company
money, in that I would be able to work much longer hours and not be
tired, which, I'm sure you can see, would be very beneficial to the
company and therefore, would definitely be an idea that is worth
pursuing, I think you would agree." Truthfully, I had done nothing of
the sort. This rhetoric was simply some nonsense I had seen on a
televison program the night before. But I absolutely could not tell my
boss that I was sitting there trying to decipher my own psychological
makeup using notebook paper and ketchup packets. That would be absurd. My
only hope would be that my boss would actually buy this ridiculous story
and leave me alone so that I might continue my self analysis.
"Hmmmmm," he said, "Do you realize, that you are the only person I know
who regularly talks in run-on sentences that stray from the subject
until the are just colossal jumbles of meaningless combinations of
words?"
"No sir. I did not realize that," I said.
"Aaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh!" exclaimed my superior, "You make my head hurt!"
With that he turned and walked back towards his office, beyond the far
table, where Miss Jane began that ill-fated affair with Mr. Jennings
from engineering. They never should have used that table.

Multi-tasking at 5:30 AM...

Today's blog will have multiple topics. Why? Because I thought of a bunch of stupid little things to say.

On April 16th at the Movie Grill in Addison, The Sinus Show (formerly Mr. Sinus Theater) will be "performing" "Dirty Dancing". Sinus, for those of you who don't know, is a trio of guys (led by Jerm Pollet, who used to play guitar for one of my favorite bands, Gal's Panic) from Austin who make fun of movies. It's just like Mystery Science Theater except that it's live and in person and they usually do movies you've heard of. They are hilarious. Tickets are like twelve bucks and I believe they go on sale on Tuesday. My wife and I will be there and I'm going to tell all my friends (that'll take like 2 minutes). Check out The Sinus Show website.

Apparently, I have a clone or a twin brother (besides Nate). I am frequently stopped by people I don't know who ask me things like, "Do you have a brother named..." or "Hey! I saw you at [place I was not at]." The nice lady in the dart department at Fort Worth Billiards consistently gets me confused with a guy named Jason (who apparently looks just like me) and the manager of the Oompa Loompas (the cleaning crew where I work... story for another blog) stopped me in the breakroom yesterday and asked if I had a brother named Brian. I've had people swear they saw me at Ranger games and Scarborough Faire when I wasn't there (a rhyme!). If you are my clone, please call. I need a decoy.

In a related story, the weirdest case of mistaken identity I've had is about ten years ago when I was still working at Kroger. The brain damaged chick who was working the register in the middle of the night asked me, "Do you have a brother named John? There was this guy I met who looks just like you and his name was John." "Uh, no," I replied, "My name IS John. We're you thinking of me?" She had a quizzical look and replied, "Nooooooo....." and trailed off. I took my crackers and went to eat lunch. Never did figure out what that was all about.

I HATE Larry the Cable Guy. If you have to ask why, then I probably don't like you much either.
And now, just for the hell of it, another in a recently decided presentation of old junk I wrote years ago. This time, it's horoscopes. Or rather, "Horrorscopes". Back in '97 when we (we being mostly Ray and myself with help from Randy) were initially trying to get the Don't Ask Productions web page started (and strangely, we're still kind of in that boat), we attmpted to do monthly horoscopes from our resident soothsayer, Nostradorkus. Here are the ones he came up with in March. Keep in mind I wrote these 9 years ago and most of these were written with people I hung out with at the time.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) - I am the Eggman. They are the Eggmen. I am the Walrus. Goo goo ga joo.

Aries (March 21-April 19) - The only way you are going to burn off excess fat is to set yourself on fire. I see a period of darkness in you life followed by a period of light.... and then darkness again... and some more light....

Taurus (April 20-May 20) - Toothpaste figures prominently into your immediate future. Ease tensions at work by killing your boss with the water cooler. For crying out loud, stop calling me!

Gemini (May 21-June 20) - What have you done to your hair?!!?!?!.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) - WHOA! Get THAT thought out of your head right now! That’s repulsive.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) - He takes a whiskey drink, he takes a vodka drink, he takes a lager drink, he takes a cider drink, and he STILL won’t find you remotely attractive.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) IRS seeks soulmate who cheated on their taxes for the past 12 years. I gave them your phone number.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) - Your dream job is within grasp. That isn’t what the water hose is for. Cut it out. I like cheese!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) - You know, I’m too damn busy to think of anything good for you. GO AWAY!!! Oh wait, here’s some advice.... BITE ME! (Especially you, you gorgeous sex kitten you!).

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) - Viva la France! Your life may seem boring now, but just wait until summer. Pickles are like that..

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - Can you say “New fry cook at McDonald’s”? GOOD!.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - Dick Clark and Ed McMahon dropped by and asked me to tell you: YOU ARE A GUARANTEED $10 MILLION LOSER!

From the Suff Archives...

Years ago, I used to send out these email things simply called "Stuff". They consisted mostly of weird little snippets from emails, odd short stories, and other ramblings. Since I've been buried with work lately, I'll just post an old "Stuff" rant about UPS. This ran originally about 1997.

I'm fascinated by the concept of stupidity. Today, two separate but related instances of stupidity are irritating me. My cousins in Virginia have sent me a grad gift. UPS (where the U stands for "uncooperative")has been given the task of delivering it. Now, I am rarely at home, so delivering it is a problem. But of course, they aren't the least bit willing to try and set up a time when I actually am at home to bring me my package. Apparently, the customer is always right excepts when it means that the business has to actually do something that requires effort. So, I have to sit around waiting or else I won't get my package.

When I ordered my computer, UPS came by and left an evil yellow note. I called UPS and said, "Take my stuff off of the truck because I'll pick it up at your stupid warehouse!" They said okay and so when I went to pick it up, they told me that it was still on the truck. I finally managed to get my computer, albeit five days after it arrived in Ft. Worth. It's kind of like furniture stores. Sure, they're happy to take your money and then deliver it, but you have to sit around and wait between the hours of 10 AM and 6 PM even though you should be working because they don't have a clue when Biff and Bruno can drive the truck to your house and throw your expensive furniture around your yard.

The second of the separate but related instances o' stupidity is that the fools who built our house, put the doorbell thing in the entryhall, five whole feet away from the door. So, you can only hear the doorbell if you are in the living room, in the kitchen and the rest of the house is silent, in the bedrooms at the back of the house if you have Super hearing, or standing right next to the door. Since all of the stuff that I use is in the back of the house, I am always in the back of the house. Therefore, since I do not have super hearing, I don't hear the doorbell. So I guess I'm forced to sit in the living room and do nothing productive all day while I wait for UPS to come. Ah, the modern era is so efficient and advanced!

Quickie

If a tree blogs in the forest and no one reads it, does it matter?

Bipartisan Stupidity

Bipartisan Stupidity

FMQB: Two Senators Push Expansion On Indecency Bill

Ahhh... isn't it nice when the Dems & the GOP work together? Bipartisanship is grand ain't it? Except when they're working together to do something painfully stupid.
So, it's not enough that the FCC can pull their iron fists out of their arses and point and "indecent" material readily available to the public, now they need to be allowed to control what I watch on cable & satellite. Sens Hutchison and Rockefeller need to go find something useful to do, like balance the budget, figure out foreign policy, or go hunting with Cheney.
See, I PAY for satellite. It's bad enough I have to pay money for channels that show more commercials, but the government has NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to start controlling the content of services that I pay for.
When you start censoring content that goes out over all the airwaves, you may see it as protecting children but I see it as telling adults what they can and can't watch. Parents should be controlling what kids watch anyway, not the government.
Looks like it's another Democrat trying to legislate my life under the guise of "helping the helpless" and a Republican who believes that Christian Morality is the ONLY morality. Screw you both. I can't do much about Rockefeller, but I am a Texan and I CAN do something to affect Sen Hutchison.
C'mon people! Take back our country from these bureaucrats and sell-outs! Goverment is not here to legislate morality!

Scary Horoscope from The Onion

Anyone who knows me will realize the scary accurateness of this.

This is my horoscope from The Onion this week:

Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your reputation as a great conversationalist will be challenged this week, when you steer a discussion momentarily outside of the DC/Marvel universes.

Why I Hate The Fort Worth Brahmas

Lately, my intense hatred for the Brahmas has boiled up again. Why you may ask? Because I loved the Fort Worth Fire and the Brahmas killed my beloved home town team.

Right after the Fire wins the Levins' Trophy in the CHL in 96-97, the Brahmas then show up, lure away the Fire's best players, pretend to be a good Hockey team just long enough to steal fans away and cause the Fire to fold 2 seasons later.

Man, I HATE those guys. They went to the WPHL Championship Series in their first season, got blanked by El Paso and have then followed it up with almost 8 seasons of last place (or almost last place) finishes. Jerks.

I would like to say I cursed the team back in '97, but I didn't. Not that it looks like it matters since it looks like they're pretty well cursed anyway.

I WANT AN APOLOGY FROM THE JERKS!!!!! It's like New Coke all over again except that we don't get the original back.

Here's a look at the season-by-season breakdown:
(Source: Internet Hockey Database )

Currently, in the CHL's 2005-06 season, the Brahmas are.... LAST! Dead Last, worst team in the entire league. Probably ain't gonna change anytime soon.

In the meantime, if anybody knows where I can get a Fort Worth Fire jersey, let me know.