Dope... and other things that sound like Pope

Dear crummy Catholic Pope Benedict XVI,

Please go away. I don't like you.
First of all, everybody knows sequels suck and after the "pope-nipple" outrage from the Joel Schumacher directed Pope Benedict XV, I was hoping we'd never have to see another one.
Second, "Benedict" has a bad history as a name in this country. Benedict Arnold was a jerk and a traitor and besides, I hate eggs no matter how they are prepared.
Third, you were a Nazi. I don't care if it wasn't by choice, you were still a Nazi.
Fourth, you're a dick. You didn't seem particularly concerned about child molesting priests before so screw you.

What I don't understand is why all the Protestants get all excited about you. People like President Bush get all enamored with meeting you and refer to you as "Your Holiness." Do they not understand where the "Protest" part of "Protestant" came from? Protestants and Catholics, other than claiming to be followers of crazy ol' Jesus and the subsequent ramblings of Paul, pretty much have nothing else in common. In some places, they still kill each other because each side thinks the other is completely wrong.
I could understand it if it was some sort of act like when heads of state pretend to get along because everybody is watching, but these fools act genuinely happy to be within the pope-a-matic bubble of the pontiff's divine light. The very foundation of Protestantism is that these followers of Christ REJECT THE POPE'S AUTHORITY AND EVERYTHING HE DECREES!!!! WTF!!!!??!!?!? Either these Xians are just stupid and ignorant of their own religion or they are hypocrites. If the pope has no authority, what is there to respect? Without authority, he's just a guy in a white robe sponging off other people's money. He's like Paris Hilton without a small dog in a purse.
If I were to come into contact with Pope Benedict and introduced myself as Pope Rotten Arsenal, do you think I would seriously get addressed with any sort of respectful, reverent title? Probably not. I'd probably get condemned for blasphemy by Catholics and Protestants alike. There is a message board devoted to listeners of a local radio show and I was elected by the members of that board as "pope" and given some authority (I have an entire section I get to moderate and I run the Deadpool!), so doesn't that mean I should be given the same respect by other "popes", whether they subscribe to that which I am pope of or not? Sure, some people might say that "it's just a dumb message board for listeners of a radio show... being pope of that is a big joke." Well, guess what, as a non-christian who finds much of what the catholic church does to be pretty sh***y, my view of Benedict is that he's a joke of leader of a dumb religion for followers of a guy with an inflated image who died 2000 years ago. Why are my beliefs less valid?
If Peggy Nadramia, High Priestess of the Church of Satan, or Bobby Henderson, founder of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster were to meet President Bush, would the prez exhibit reverence and respect to them? I doubt it. What's the difference? They are both high profile humans within a religious organization who can claim just as easily as Benedict that their authority is divinely derived.
I really wish I could meet a Catholic Pope one day just so I could treat him like any other douche bag I might meet. No "your holiness" or bowing... maybe a firm handshake and a "how ya doin", but I'll do that for any other human being.

So, enjoy your stay here, enjoy the adoration of all of your sheep, and then get the hell out of here so that my tax dollars aren't supporting the heightened security that no doubt follows you all over the damn place.

Jerk.

Sincerely,

Pope Rotten Arsenal

Missile Silos of the Apocalypse

Okay... I've finally figured out what church steeples are really for.

They're missile silos.

No really... inside these pointy towers that often times house bells or are adorned with crosses are WMDs... "Jesus Missiles" if you will.

Steeples have long been associated with religious structures. In fact, according to some wacko Seventh Day Adventist study on steeples from 1987, they actually date back to pagan religions, a fact that had some people claiming they shouldn't be used. (Apparently the "pagan" stuff taints the Jesus, but somehow different than all the other pagan stuff they've absorbed). The link above discusses why this attitude is wrong, but all the same, it's an interesting discussion about steeples (there's something I never thought I'd type).

Anyway... missile silos... right. I'm not really sure why they would have missiles in church steeples, but it no doubt pertains to the impending Apocalypse that almost assuredly is nigh (as it has been for the last 2000 or so years). My theory is that it's one of two things:

1. At the appointed time, either some secret time that only the Christian higher ups know or possibly when Jesus sends the email (To: Christians Everywhere, From: Jesus (I_Save@godmail.net), Subject: The time has come. Execute order 666), the missiles will simultaneously launch and will destroy the temple and open a hole to Hell allowing all the demons of the underworld to begin the Apocalypse. Or..
2. After the Apocalypse has started, the missiles are fired which then detonate over the Earth, releasing some sort of Holy Radiation that takes all the Christians up to heaven

I really don't know which one it is. But, knowing the Christians penchant for cryptic soothsaying and overly complex symbolism, I think this quote from a steeple maker speaks volumes:

"A steeple points one to the heavens, symbol of the dwelling place of Christ. Through city streets, across the valleys and lakes, through the countryside far and wide, the steeple declares Christ."

- Jerry Bennett of Campbellsville Industries

(from "Here's the Church, Here's the Steeple..." by Scott Gabrielson, Your Church magazine, May/June 2001)

See? It "points to the heavens", the launching direction, and then when it fires the missile, it's "declar[ing] Christ" and the missiles travels all over the place! What more proof do you need?

The article includes some bit about contemporary steeple uses and talks about churches allowing cellular companies to put antennas on the steeples to help expand their networks (Can you hear me now, Jesus?). The churches make some cash in exchange for allowing a corporate entity to put metal on the steeple which allows devices created through science to function better. Of course, it could all be just a ruse... perhaps they are just adding the antenna so the missile command can link up with satellite targeting systems.

Intelligent Design is a crock o' shite

If you want to force public schools to teach intelligent design, a theory that has no basis in fact or testable investigation, as an alternative viewpoint to evolution, that's fine.
As long as you force churches to teach evolution as an alternate viewpoint to intelligent design/creationism.
I love the people who claim that athiests and/or evolutionists believe themselves to be so egotistical that they have no use for a god. Obviously man is far too superior to have been created by some all-powerful being. That doesn't even make sense. If there is no god and evolution is the answer, then you must realize that man is actually unimportant and has no particular value to the universe at all. We're here by chance. There is no ego to it. There is no point to our existance, we just are.
Now, some all-powerful being that creates a vast universe and then essentially gives it to humans to rule and decrees that man is his greatest creation.... well.... THAT'S egotistical.